Why change is good — and why hearing “you’ve changed” is reason to rejoice
When most people throw out two simple words — “you’ve changed” — their intention is typically to insult, shame, or hurt you. They’re never saying “you’ve changed” with the reasons why change is good in mind.
“You’ve changed.”
Often, I’ve found this sentiment expressed by people who knew me in my younger years. Or someone who used to have unlimited access to my life who I no longer allow to cross boundaries.
“You’ve changed.” For the longest time, I would try to argue that I was the same person. Those words would set off a chain reaction of feeling inadequate, closely followed by diarrhea of the mouth to explain myself. My need to be liked, to show that I still possessed the same good qualities that they knew me with, was blinding.
Whenever someone said to me, “You’ve changed,” I heard, “How dare you?”
In fact, I think that’s what most people really want to say.
But over time, as I’ve gained more life experience, seen more of the world, and dealt with bigger and bigger challenges, I’ve started to question why change is a bad thing. I’ve started to understand why change is good.
In fact, there’s nothing in life that’s NOT changing. From the minute we’re born, our cells and body change. They continue to grow and grow until we reach adulthood, at which point they begin to slowly decay. (I never said change wasn’t existentially morbid, but it’s beautiful).
Nature is constantly showing us how things change. From the weather, to the seasons, to even our earth rotating around the sun. Life is not a stagnant process — but that’s exactly why change is good. Change pushes us forward.
So why do we want personal growth to be a stagnant process?
As I’ve moved through life, I haven’t lost any of the qualities that made me a good person. But through harsh experiences, widened perspectives, and more knowledge, I definitely have softened. Like a stone feeling the constant pressure of water, I’ve been shaped by my environment. I’ve become more fluid myself. I’ve adapted. I believe I know less, and I seek more.
In fact, how AWFUL would it be to go through a tough point in one’s life and only come out on the other side exactly the same? Life is SUPPOSED to change us. If we’re not changing, we’re not learning. The ways in which it can improve us as people is exactly why change is good.
As I started reflecting on my friends (most of them no longer in my life) who accused me of “changing,” I realized how afraid most of them were of change. They were terrified by the unknown. They had built their lives and comforts to pad them securely into the same town, the same jobs, and the same friend group that they’ve had for decades. They didn’t want to hear differing opinions or be released to their souls’ journey. They didn’t understand why change is good, or how things that could feel scary at first can actually make us better.
Therefore, they couldn’t release others. And suddenly, instead of feeling like I needed to react to this statement, I felt compassion toward them.
The next time someone tells you you’ve changed, I hope you rejoice. And then I hope you say back, “Yes, I have. Thank you for noticing.”
