Finding Confidence in Your Relationship Status
Back before I left Nashville, I went in for an annual check-up with my doctor — not exactly the place you’d expect to get a lesson in relationship status confidence.
My doctor’s intern went over the run-of-the-mill questions and status updates before my PCP came in the room.
‘Age?” the perky blonde asked, running through the next question on the chart.
“31,” I answered. She nodded and confirmed what I had (already) written down.
“Are you married?”
“Nope.”
She looked up from her paperwork and gave me a look of pity. “Aww, that’s sad.”
I had to blink thrice for my mind to process what she had said. Sad? I thought. How the hell is that sad?
I had to roll my eyes (on the inside, at least. I’ve gotten better at not rolling my eyes in front of people). I knew this boiled down to a few key things:
1. I lived in the South. Much like being a part of a very conservative religion, Southern residency also included arbitrary expiration dates for women to snatch a guy before they (apparently) implode. I knew if I was getting asked this question living in Vegas the response would have (most likely) been, “Of course you’re not. You’re young and have lots of life to live before making a decision of that magnitude.” In this part of the country, finding confidence in your relationship status (if it’s single) can be more difficult, when you’re faced with more pressure, judgment, and comments like the one from my doctor.
2. There was no “I have a serious boyfriend but I’m not ready to move toward marriage,” box that she could check. The answer was black and white in a world made of grey.
3. Her reaction had more to do with her belief system than my choices. Her lack of confidence in my relationship status didn’t mean it had to have any effect on my own confidence.
So I am able to logically understand how my environment, lack of options, and her perspective were playing their respective roles here. So I knew not to take it too seriously.
ALL THAT BEING SAID…
Isn’t it funny how ingesting someone else’s reaction to your healthy life choices can make you feel inadequate? How finding confidence in your relationship status (or anything else) can often mean having to sidestep awkward conversations like these?
I’ve never been concerned about being single. In fact, for most of my adult life, I probably took too much pride in being independent.
But I also want people to accept and like me. And as a perfectionist, it’s hard to draw the line between doing things that make you more “socially acceptable” versus sticking to your guns on what resonates for your own life.
I also recognize that I’m one of a minority of women (at least for now, until our culture loosens its suspicions on single women) who are confident about being single.
I get asked a lot about how to feel more confident if checking the single box fills you with dread.
While I’m not a robot, and can appreciate a longing to feel companionship, my diagnosis of the situation is often the same: people (especially women) crave a relationship because it does one (or all) of the following:
It distracts them from having to focus on themselves, because they don’t really like themselves
They’ve never taken the time to get to know themselves or gotten curious about what they enjoy alone, or
Somehow, being in a relationship brings them an external validation that they don’t yet know how to replicate internally.
So how do we start to become more comfortable and confident with the moniker of singledom? These three things could also apply to BEING in a relationship, so really the question is, how do you find confidence in your relationship status, no matter what it is (which at the end of the day, is about finding confidence in yourself).
In my next blog, I’ll break down my thoughts on some ways you can become comfortable and confident, regardless of your relationship status.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear how you’ve navigated this beast!
