How to move away from comparison, and towards confidence

Something incredible happened for a friend of mine recently. It was SUCH a beautiful thing, and I was OVER THE MOON for her. And then, out of nowhere, that comparison monster reared its ugly head. I found myself in that “comparing yourself to a friend” phase, instead of simply experiencing happiness for her.

It was frustrating, because I truly wanted to only feel joy for her. But there was this inner gremlin, awakening from her slumber on a pile of self-doubts, prattling on with dialogue that not only made me feel inferior, but ALSO made me feel like a bad friend. Suddenly I was taking a beautiful moment in HER life and making it about MY misgivings. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Has this ever happened to you?

I was annoyed; I’d dedicated so much effort to getting away from feeling inadequate, from comparing myself to others, and had adopted a “live and let live” policy. Most days I felt in control. But then, moments like this would take me by surprise, and suddenly it would feel like I’d made no progress at all when it came to comparison to others.

My boyfriend and I sat down to discuss it. And instead of spending any time acknowledging the monster or giving credence to her campaigning, we analyzed the facts:

Fact 1: I loved this friend. I admired her work ethic. Anything I was feeling was not about her, but strictly about my own feelings of not “doing enough.” I falsely believed her success meant something about my own, regardless of evidence to support that.

Fact 2: It was “normal” to have someone else’s major life moments give pause to your own decisions. And in fact, by this happening, I was able to do a check-in to see if I was still heading in a direction I wanted to go in. This was a great opportunity.

Fact 3: While we were in similar industries, we had not taken similar paths. She had made a lot of different life choices to get to where she was. (I sat there and wrote down everything that she’d done thus far that I knew of, so I could really get a feel for what it had taken for this moment to coalesce). 

This was super helpful in arriving at Fact 4. 

Fact 4: The reality was that I would never have made the same life choices because I didn’t want them. I only wanted her result.

And that’s when the Big Kahuna Epiphany hit me: we spend so much of our time comparing ourselves to others and think when great things happen for them, it’s only that ONE success that separates us. But the reality is she had made a lifetime of different decisions that separated us from experiencing that same moment. 

If I were to have taken all the actions up until this point in my life that she had, I would probably be in a similar situation. But I hadn’t, because I had other priorities. And I don’t regret those priorities. 

This realization brought me such a wave of peace, because not only did it give me a path to execute if I wanted the same result, but it really put a bullet in this idea that there’s any validity in comparing. Unless you’re willing to make exactly the same sacrifices, take the same actions, live in the same environments, etc., there’s no use in expelling that emotion.

While I don’t think it will discourage the comparison monster from popping up and attempting to monopolize my attention, being able to take an objective lens to the facts sure does beat her back down.

This is why I’m such a big believer in utilizing neutrality to lead us away from comparison, and towards confidence. 

What areas in your life do you need to start seeing through an objective/purely factual lens?